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State Farm Admits It Has Been Wrong All Along

By April 1, 2024No Comments

STATE FARM ANNOUNCES POLICY SHIFT: “IT’S TIME TO DO THE RIGHT THING”

In a shocking move, a spokesperson for State Farm, the largest carrier in the country, stated Friday that State Farm had made a significant change in policy, moving forward, the insurance giant will pay its policyholders what they’re owed.

“Look, we have made a lot of money denying claims. Did we have good reasons to deny those claims? Not really. Did we have good faith arguments that exclusions applied in every denial? Also, no. But did we have the best intentions at heart? Of course we didn’t. We have a couple of old stand-by’s that have done a lot of heavy lifting for us. I can’t tell you how many billions of dollars the words ‘period of time’ or ‘wear and tear’ have saved this company.” – State Farm Spokesperson

When asked about why the sudden change, State Farm responded:

“What our leadership has decided is that $109 Billion in revenue in 2023 was enough for us. Lets shave a little bit off the top, and pay that Grandma to have her bathroom floor replaced. It’s not like we actually know how long the leak had been happening for anyway. We spend a lot of money on lawyers defending claims we should have just paid, like, more money than you would believe. Lets give the insurance defense industry a breather, and start doing what our contracts say we will.” – State Farm Spokesperson

State Farm was also asked about paying roof claims.

“Roof claims are tricky. You see, roofs can be damaged by wind or hail during a storm. And some of these roofs are old so if we admit there is damage, then we would be on the hook for the whole roof if it isn’t repairable. That’s a lot of Mahomes commercials we wouldn’t have the money to pay for. Do you think Arnold and Danny were cheap? I think not. But, nevertheless, we are going to start paying these claims to. Its only fair that we actually do what the policy says we will do.” – State Farm Spokesperson

Its an exciting time to be a policy-holder.

The above is entirely satire and is not intended, nor should it be taken, to be real.